Friday Night at the Fights

Well.....it's official. Paris Hilton is a skank. Actually, that's not really news, I just like typing the word "skank." I'm worried that this little altercation Paris had the other night, with Former Miss USA Shanna Moakler, is one of the first signs of the Apocalypse. I'm gonna surf the web to find out as soon as I finish typing this. Anyway, here's the deal for the uninformed: Paris Hilton is a skank. Oh yeah, we already covered that. I mean....c'mon, she got into a girlfight with a former Miss USA for gosh sakes! Look over at Paris on the right here. She may be all glammed up in her frilly white frock and rockin' those 80's black ankle boots...but really....we all know that inside beats the heart of a true Trailer Trash Trixie. Then there is Shanna....a former Miss USA who was recently kicked off "Dancing With The Stars." Shanna is going through a nasty separation from her second husband. Well, this gem of a hubby was seen making out at a club with Paris a few weeks ago. Now Shanna is ticked. Actually, I think she's ticked about the whole "Dancing With The Stars" thing, but Paris macking on her soon-to-be ex-hubby didn't make her all that happier. OK....so these two "ladies".....and I do use the term very loosely.....run into each other at an LA club and all heck breaks loose. Vile, un-ladylike language is exchanged. Shanna pops Paris in the jaw(a collective shout of "Hooray" is heard throughout the kingdom!). A drink is poured over Shanna's head, and she is allegedly pushed down some stairs. The pouring and pushing was performed by Paris' ex, the scruffy Greek shipping heir, Stavros Nicharos. I mean, c'mon.....look at this crazy cast of characters. You can't make this stuff up! Ok......what I'm leading up to is this. Girls get in fights. Ladies don't get into fights, but girls(and skanks)get into fights. Usually, the fights are about boys. It's just human nature. OK....sometimes the fights are about the last pair of sale size 9 leopard print Jimmy Choo 3 inch heels....but that's a whole other story. What I'm getting at is this. These 2 chicks don't like each other.....and they ain't no ladies. So we can understand that if they cross paths....they might get into a little scuffle. But c'mon gals.....we understand the scuffle part, what we don't understand is this:This is the man you are both fighting over? He is supposedly in a band, right? One that I don't listen to, but seriously....you were in a very public girlfight over this freak of nature, tatoo-covered, low-rise wearin', punk and pierced excuse for a........hmmm, now wait. I may be getting a little bit harsh. I'm sure he is a perfectly fine human being with a sensitive artistic soul who is just expressing himself. I mean he did marry a former Miss USA. Hmmm.....let me rethink things a little bit. No..........he's just nasty with a capital "N". Ladies....yoo hoo, gals.......you need to wake up and smell the java, chickies. He is bad news and you both are better off without him. Hey...if you both like musicians so much, what about that nice Josh Groban? I hear he's available. He's such a cutie. And as far as I know, he doesn't have a single tatoo(although he might be hiding one on his upper arm that says "Mom," I'm not sure about that, I'll have to get back to you). As for me, I'm gonna go surf the net, so I'll be ready for the next sign of the Apocalypse when it comes down the pike. Take care now.