An Open Letter to Miss Britney Spears

Dear Britney,

(Or can I just call you Miss Brit?)

I'm writing this little note to tell you that I'm afraid. No, scratch that......we are all afraid. All of us who shouted with joy and glee, less than one month ago, when you finally kicked that skanky slacker of a husband of yours to the curb.

We were thrilled. We were ecstatic. We were in the middle of a very slow news week. Nevertheless, we knew............just knew, that you had finally come to your cotton-pickin' senses. Go 'head Girl...........way to go!

Unfortunately, it now seems as if our joy was somewhat premature.

Instead of turning your focus to properly raising your two young children........................






and concentrating on re-energizing your dormant music career...........




..........it seems you have chosen a definitely different path. At least......if recent photos from the past few weeks are to be believed.

It seems you have chosen..........

(cue: scary horror movie music, perhaps the theme from "Psycho" )

........to become the BFF of...................

...........Yikes ............I can't even say it, much less type it........................

OK, I'll just spit it out.

You.....our Little Miss Brit, have chosen to become the club-hopping, hair extension-wearing, chain-smoking, trashy outfit-sportin', totally skankified best friend forever (BFF) to none other than.............................

YUCK .............





Paris (Frickin') Hilton !



Sheesh ...........I don't think there's any chance for redemption now y'all.

Exhibit A:

Brit and Paris become fast friends, and Poof ..........Brit is suddenly
SUPER-skankified.



(Brit ..........it really takes some extreme effort to out-skank Miss Hilton.
My dear, I'm afraid in this dress......you definitely do! Oh, and by the way.....my lawd girl...........unless you are in a big hurry and on your way home to nurse little Jayden James...........please, just put them things away!)

Exhibit B :

Miss Brit is seen hangin' out in clubs late at night, in Las Vegas and LA, with new friend Paris...........not dressin' proper and doin' all sorts of things that single moms with 2 baby boys at home shouldn't be doin'



(Ummm.....Brit.........I'm not sure, but I think you missed a button there........)

Exhibit C :

Miss Brit continues to hang out with Paris, and begins to let her poor judgement in friends and fashion (see Exhibits A and B) ...........seep into her activities with her children




Yikes! Brit's even lettin' that Hilton Ho hold her baby now! What in the world kinda hooch has she been drinkin?!


Exhibit D :

Miss Brit leaves the babies home yet again............and continues her odyssey to find the trashiest and most unflattering outfit known to man



("Hey Brit........let's get matching nasty hair weaves and wear cute Forever 21 animal print outfits together! C'mon.......it'll be fun!")


("Hey Brit.........c'mon now.....I reminded you and everything. You remembered your matching T-shirt........but what happened to the white go-go boots and skinny jeans? Listen, Paris can only do so much. Here I am tryin' my best to citi-fi you and your little southern bisquits.....but you gotta show some effort OK? Now........are you feelin' alright, honey? You look a little worse for the wear. I don't think that Big Gulp with Red Bull and Tequila went down too well. Hmmm.......in fact, it looks like some of it came right on up and onto your little leggings, now didn't it? Here ya go.........just walk on past those photographers, they won't even notice us.......")

AND FINALLY..........


Exhibit E :

Finally our Miss Brit makes her worst mistake in judgement so far. She continues to follow Ho, Ho Hilton around..........and then our two favorite blonde rocket scientists decide to add another, much more responsible BFF to the mix.........



Ya gotta be kiddin' me, right? I mean, how many DUI's and car smash-ups are in that front seat alone? Hey look.....it's Dumb and Dumber.........with their new best friend, Dumbest!

("Pssst........Lindsay, you got my message right? I said we were goin' as blondes tonight. Brit got the word. What's up with the dark locks? If you think it makes you look smarter..........think again. Anyways, guys don't want smart, you silly girl........just look at me!")

I shudder to think of the many pearls of wisdom being bandied about in that car, on that particular night.

In closing...............Miss Britney...............

These are but a few of the examples of why we..........your once and future fans.........are afraid, very afraid.

Please honey...........send these Yankee girls a-packin'. They most surely don't have your best interests at heart. They are bein' friends with you for all the wrong reasons. Trust us, we know. You need to be home with those two little babies. Take some time for yourself. We know you're young and gettin' divorced and all......it's difficult, we get it.

But honey, you need a switch and a scrubbin' somethin' awful right now.

Miss Brit..........I promise you............if you clean up your act, start wearin' some cute outfits from Target and get yourself a decent brassiere, your fans will come back by the truckful.

Just remember though...........stay away from Ho, Ho Hilton and her merry band of skanky starlets. You were strong and got rid of K-Fed. You can do it. We're rootin' fer ya!

Now go put on some cute khakis and a turtleneck --or better yet, where's that argyle vest and those Mom Jeans you were sportin' a while back?



Stay strong, darlin'!

Sincerely,

Cagey
Past President
Britney Fans Forever
MidWest Region