So......I Went To........ "The Wedding".....

........and boy, do those Scientologists know how to party!

I'm guessin' by now you've all seen and heard various accounts of the TomKat wedding festivities in all of the usual places: People, US, Entertainment Tonight, Cult Weekly, Psychology Today, etc.

But I'm here to tell ya that nowhere are they givin' ya the real skinny. The real deets. The real inside scoop. That, my dear readers, is why I'm here. Or rather, why I was there. To keep my eye on the action, and report back to you.

I must first apologize for how long it has taken to file this report. Granted, I was very tired from all of the wedding hoopla..... but it was the trip home that almost did me in.

Flying back non-stop from Rome is bad enough, but then we get a pilot whose idea of a smooth landing makes the great San Francisco earthquake of 1906 seem like a bump in the night. I mean, what are they teaching these guys? I not only lost my complimentary pack of peanuts.......I almost dropped my $5 cup of Chardonnay! That's criminal!

Seriously, I dunno about pilots these days. From now on...............
for me..........forget "The Friendly Skies" .........it's Greyhound all the way baby.

Anyways......I did manage to sneek a peek in the cockpit on my way out of the plane. There was something strangely familiar about the Captain..............




.............I just couldn't quite put my finger on it.

(If you ask me........I just don't trust a grown man in a jumpsuit with Boy Scout patches on it.)

Oh well, I'll figure it out later. On to more important stuff.........the real scoop about the reason I was in Rome. The TomKat wedding.

OK...........first of all, I have to tell you that security at this shindig was
super-tight. They had all sorts of scary dudes with sunglasses and earpieces roamin' all over the place.........



(And those were just the bridesmaids!)


Before entering the Odescalchi Castle (I think that's "Old Creepy Castle"
in Italian) for the ceremony..........


(What.......no landscaping?)




..........every guest had to sign a crazy 3-page Confidentiality Agreement.

Ya know...........

"I, the undersigned, do hereby swear not to divulge any details about said TomKat nuptials....blah, blah, blah......or divulge information on any Cult members -- ooops, we mean wedding guests.......blah, blah, blah.........if this agreement is not strictly adhered to.........blah, blah, blah..........the undersigned agrees to hand over their first-born child to The Church of Scientology."

Now, I gotta say..... I was a little concerned about the first-born child part of the agreement. See......I knew I was gonna have to sign the document to get in to this crazy wedding. I also knew that I was totally planning on violating it.......I mean, I had already promised to report all of the deets back to you all. Therefore, I did what I do best..........I thought fast.

And........... I gave full disclosure.

Seems that The Church of Scientology wasn't too concerned about me strictly following the Confidentiality Agreement.........that is, after I informed them that my first-born.........my loving, joyful first-born.....is a 13-year-old female whose main mission in life is:

(in no particular order)

To flat-iron her hair at least twice a day, talk to multiple friends using her expensive cell phone minutes --while sitting next to an unused land line, watch marathon airings of "America's Next Top Model" in one sitting, hang out at Starbucks, argue with adults about the merits of middle school homework and good grades, complain that we don't have any food in the house (then proceed to leave wrappers from the food that we don't have, all over the living room), whine about needing a ride to the movies and the mall AND THEN.......proceed to roll her eyes at me if I dare sing-along to the radio during said ride to the mall.

Apparently, The Church of Scientology has enough young members that fit that description. The head scary dude that read my signed Confidentiality Agreement just said, "Never mind, forget the Agreement. Just go on in.....but wipe your feet first."

OK........works for me.

As I wiped the mud from my Jimmy Choo's and entered the castle, I looked back and saw that he put my paperwork in a corner pile, right on top of the one signed by our favorite Latin diva..............




.........Hmmm.......seems the Church didn't want the first-born from J Lo and that scary husband of hers either. Ha!

All right...........I'm afraid this report is getting a little long-winded, and I haven't even spilled any details from the wedding yet. You know what? I'm gonna skip the deets on the ceremony (just pick up People or US Mag for that.....) and go straight to the reception. That's where all of the real action was anyways.

Picture these highlights:

A newly-married couple, happily cutting their gi-normous cake.............



(What you didn't see......immediately after this picture...... "Kate" with a fistful of cake......Splat..........right on the Cruise kisser ! )


A gaggle of mega-watt celebrity guests, ready to toast the newlyweds.......



(Left to Right: J Lo and hubby Marc Anthony aka "Skeletor", Scary Spice....ooops, I mean Posh Spice -- looking Scary, Brooke (Kate's curious new BFF) Shields and hubby Chris Henchy and finally.....looking oh-so-
I, Robot......Will Smith and wife Jada Pinkett Smith)
What is Will's connection to Cruise anyway? Somebody fill me in please. And that wife of his......she's startin' to bug me. Enough already!


The newlyweds adorable (and quite hairy) baby girl -- up way past her bedtime, but behaving quietly, just as Scientologist babies should..........



(Talk about your "Suri With The Fringe On Top" ........)


The somewhat subdued Mr. and Mrs. Holmes of Toledo, Ohio USA.....aka --
the mother and father of the Bride, smiling bravely throughout the festivities, knowing full well that the Intervention they have planned.....for when "Kate" returns from the honeymoon.......is all set.........




Previously mentioned celebrity guest Brooke Shields, looking oh-so-glamorous in her velvet burgundy gown (never mind those hidden pockets in her dress, filled with anti-depressants and Ritalin -- that spilled out when she did the Hokey Pokey with Scientology poster-boy, John Travolta on the dance floor) .........



Oh yes. I can't forget about those other celebrity guests -- those wacky lovebirds, Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy .........



(A logical coupling, if there ever was one)

Apparently....Carrey and Cruise have agents who work for the same firm in LA. I'm thinking the connection is somewhat slim....but I can definitely hear Miss Jenny say: "Cowabunga.....free trip to Italy!" (Nice coat, by the way.....and what's with the matching hair-doos?)

I don't know about you.....but I'm gonna go out on a limb right here and right now and say that these two looney lovebirds are most likely gonna be the next duo headed right down the aisle. Doncha think? I mean, c'mon......if their relationship track records say anything, they just scream stability and commitment. Good luck kiddies, we're pullin for ya!

Finally.....I must comment on the entertainment at the reception. The Cruise contingent pulled out all the stops and hired famed Italian tenor, Andrea Bocelli to serenade their guests.




Much to my surprise, after his spectacular performance.....Andrea was seated at my table for dinner (Bar-B-Q Ribs, Corn Bread and Baked Beans, by the way....).

I must say that Bocelli spoke for everyone in attendance, myself included, when he whispered in my ear during dessert: "That Posh Spice (aka Victoria Beckham) ........she is definitely the most inappropriately dressed and skinny/scary woman that I've ever seen! Could someone please give her a sandwich?"


As I swallowed my corn bread and beans............I whispered breathlessly in his ear, "Andrea, I couldn't agree with you more! Here....why don't you pass her this PB & J ?"


Well.............that's about all for my report from the big TomKat wedding and reception. Hope you enjoyed the deets.

I would have a little more after-party info to report, but I cut out of the shindig a little early. Ya see, I happened to meet a real nice local I-talian fella named Georgio......who offered to show me some of the sights of Italy from the back of his motorbike.........



I'm so happy......Georgio promised to look me up......that is, if he ever gets a passport and makes it to the States.

Ciao everyone !