An Open Letter to Miss Britney Spears

Dear Britney,

(Or can I just call you Miss Brit?)

I'm writing this little note to tell you that I'm afraid. No, scratch that......we are all afraid. All of us who shouted with joy and glee, less than one month ago, when you finally kicked that skanky slacker of a husband of yours to the curb.

We were thrilled. We were ecstatic. We were in the middle of a very slow news week. Nevertheless, we knew............just knew, that you had finally come to your cotton-pickin' senses. Go 'head Girl...........way to go!

Unfortunately, it now seems as if our joy was somewhat premature.

Instead of turning your focus to properly raising your two young children........................






and concentrating on re-energizing your dormant music career...........




..........it seems you have chosen a definitely different path. At least......if recent photos from the past few weeks are to be believed.

It seems you have chosen..........

(cue: scary horror movie music, perhaps the theme from "Psycho" )

........to become the BFF of...................

...........Yikes ............I can't even say it, much less type it........................

OK, I'll just spit it out.

You.....our Little Miss Brit, have chosen to become the club-hopping, hair extension-wearing, chain-smoking, trashy outfit-sportin', totally skankified best friend forever (BFF) to none other than.............................

YUCK .............





Paris (Frickin') Hilton !



Sheesh ...........I don't think there's any chance for redemption now y'all.

Exhibit A:

Brit and Paris become fast friends, and Poof ..........Brit is suddenly
SUPER-skankified.



(Brit ..........it really takes some extreme effort to out-skank Miss Hilton.
My dear, I'm afraid in this dress......you definitely do! Oh, and by the way.....my lawd girl...........unless you are in a big hurry and on your way home to nurse little Jayden James...........please, just put them things away!)

Exhibit B :

Miss Brit is seen hangin' out in clubs late at night, in Las Vegas and LA, with new friend Paris...........not dressin' proper and doin' all sorts of things that single moms with 2 baby boys at home shouldn't be doin'



(Ummm.....Brit.........I'm not sure, but I think you missed a button there........)

Exhibit C :

Miss Brit continues to hang out with Paris, and begins to let her poor judgement in friends and fashion (see Exhibits A and B) ...........seep into her activities with her children




Yikes! Brit's even lettin' that Hilton Ho hold her baby now! What in the world kinda hooch has she been drinkin?!


Exhibit D :

Miss Brit leaves the babies home yet again............and continues her odyssey to find the trashiest and most unflattering outfit known to man



("Hey Brit........let's get matching nasty hair weaves and wear cute Forever 21 animal print outfits together! C'mon.......it'll be fun!")


("Hey Brit.........c'mon now.....I reminded you and everything. You remembered your matching T-shirt........but what happened to the white go-go boots and skinny jeans? Listen, Paris can only do so much. Here I am tryin' my best to citi-fi you and your little southern bisquits.....but you gotta show some effort OK? Now........are you feelin' alright, honey? You look a little worse for the wear. I don't think that Big Gulp with Red Bull and Tequila went down too well. Hmmm.......in fact, it looks like some of it came right on up and onto your little leggings, now didn't it? Here ya go.........just walk on past those photographers, they won't even notice us.......")

AND FINALLY..........


Exhibit E :

Finally our Miss Brit makes her worst mistake in judgement so far. She continues to follow Ho, Ho Hilton around..........and then our two favorite blonde rocket scientists decide to add another, much more responsible BFF to the mix.........



Ya gotta be kiddin' me, right? I mean, how many DUI's and car smash-ups are in that front seat alone? Hey look.....it's Dumb and Dumber.........with their new best friend, Dumbest!

("Pssst........Lindsay, you got my message right? I said we were goin' as blondes tonight. Brit got the word. What's up with the dark locks? If you think it makes you look smarter..........think again. Anyways, guys don't want smart, you silly girl........just look at me!")

I shudder to think of the many pearls of wisdom being bandied about in that car, on that particular night.

In closing...............Miss Britney...............

These are but a few of the examples of why we..........your once and future fans.........are afraid, very afraid.

Please honey...........send these Yankee girls a-packin'. They most surely don't have your best interests at heart. They are bein' friends with you for all the wrong reasons. Trust us, we know. You need to be home with those two little babies. Take some time for yourself. We know you're young and gettin' divorced and all......it's difficult, we get it.

But honey, you need a switch and a scrubbin' somethin' awful right now.

Miss Brit..........I promise you............if you clean up your act, start wearin' some cute outfits from Target and get yourself a decent brassiere, your fans will come back by the truckful.

Just remember though...........stay away from Ho, Ho Hilton and her merry band of skanky starlets. You were strong and got rid of K-Fed. You can do it. We're rootin' fer ya!

Now go put on some cute khakis and a turtleneck --or better yet, where's that argyle vest and those Mom Jeans you were sportin' a while back?



Stay strong, darlin'!

Sincerely,

Cagey
Past President
Britney Fans Forever
MidWest Region

So......I Went To........ "The Wedding".....

........and boy, do those Scientologists know how to party!

I'm guessin' by now you've all seen and heard various accounts of the TomKat wedding festivities in all of the usual places: People, US, Entertainment Tonight, Cult Weekly, Psychology Today, etc.

But I'm here to tell ya that nowhere are they givin' ya the real skinny. The real deets. The real inside scoop. That, my dear readers, is why I'm here. Or rather, why I was there. To keep my eye on the action, and report back to you.

I must first apologize for how long it has taken to file this report. Granted, I was very tired from all of the wedding hoopla..... but it was the trip home that almost did me in.

Flying back non-stop from Rome is bad enough, but then we get a pilot whose idea of a smooth landing makes the great San Francisco earthquake of 1906 seem like a bump in the night. I mean, what are they teaching these guys? I not only lost my complimentary pack of peanuts.......I almost dropped my $5 cup of Chardonnay! That's criminal!

Seriously, I dunno about pilots these days. From now on...............
for me..........forget "The Friendly Skies" .........it's Greyhound all the way baby.

Anyways......I did manage to sneek a peek in the cockpit on my way out of the plane. There was something strangely familiar about the Captain..............




.............I just couldn't quite put my finger on it.

(If you ask me........I just don't trust a grown man in a jumpsuit with Boy Scout patches on it.)

Oh well, I'll figure it out later. On to more important stuff.........the real scoop about the reason I was in Rome. The TomKat wedding.

OK...........first of all, I have to tell you that security at this shindig was
super-tight. They had all sorts of scary dudes with sunglasses and earpieces roamin' all over the place.........



(And those were just the bridesmaids!)


Before entering the Odescalchi Castle (I think that's "Old Creepy Castle"
in Italian) for the ceremony..........


(What.......no landscaping?)




..........every guest had to sign a crazy 3-page Confidentiality Agreement.

Ya know...........

"I, the undersigned, do hereby swear not to divulge any details about said TomKat nuptials....blah, blah, blah......or divulge information on any Cult members -- ooops, we mean wedding guests.......blah, blah, blah.........if this agreement is not strictly adhered to.........blah, blah, blah..........the undersigned agrees to hand over their first-born child to The Church of Scientology."

Now, I gotta say..... I was a little concerned about the first-born child part of the agreement. See......I knew I was gonna have to sign the document to get in to this crazy wedding. I also knew that I was totally planning on violating it.......I mean, I had already promised to report all of the deets back to you all. Therefore, I did what I do best..........I thought fast.

And........... I gave full disclosure.

Seems that The Church of Scientology wasn't too concerned about me strictly following the Confidentiality Agreement.........that is, after I informed them that my first-born.........my loving, joyful first-born.....is a 13-year-old female whose main mission in life is:

(in no particular order)

To flat-iron her hair at least twice a day, talk to multiple friends using her expensive cell phone minutes --while sitting next to an unused land line, watch marathon airings of "America's Next Top Model" in one sitting, hang out at Starbucks, argue with adults about the merits of middle school homework and good grades, complain that we don't have any food in the house (then proceed to leave wrappers from the food that we don't have, all over the living room), whine about needing a ride to the movies and the mall AND THEN.......proceed to roll her eyes at me if I dare sing-along to the radio during said ride to the mall.

Apparently, The Church of Scientology has enough young members that fit that description. The head scary dude that read my signed Confidentiality Agreement just said, "Never mind, forget the Agreement. Just go on in.....but wipe your feet first."

OK........works for me.

As I wiped the mud from my Jimmy Choo's and entered the castle, I looked back and saw that he put my paperwork in a corner pile, right on top of the one signed by our favorite Latin diva..............




.........Hmmm.......seems the Church didn't want the first-born from J Lo and that scary husband of hers either. Ha!

All right...........I'm afraid this report is getting a little long-winded, and I haven't even spilled any details from the wedding yet. You know what? I'm gonna skip the deets on the ceremony (just pick up People or US Mag for that.....) and go straight to the reception. That's where all of the real action was anyways.

Picture these highlights:

A newly-married couple, happily cutting their gi-normous cake.............



(What you didn't see......immediately after this picture...... "Kate" with a fistful of cake......Splat..........right on the Cruise kisser ! )


A gaggle of mega-watt celebrity guests, ready to toast the newlyweds.......



(Left to Right: J Lo and hubby Marc Anthony aka "Skeletor", Scary Spice....ooops, I mean Posh Spice -- looking Scary, Brooke (Kate's curious new BFF) Shields and hubby Chris Henchy and finally.....looking oh-so-
I, Robot......Will Smith and wife Jada Pinkett Smith)
What is Will's connection to Cruise anyway? Somebody fill me in please. And that wife of his......she's startin' to bug me. Enough already!


The newlyweds adorable (and quite hairy) baby girl -- up way past her bedtime, but behaving quietly, just as Scientologist babies should..........



(Talk about your "Suri With The Fringe On Top" ........)


The somewhat subdued Mr. and Mrs. Holmes of Toledo, Ohio USA.....aka --
the mother and father of the Bride, smiling bravely throughout the festivities, knowing full well that the Intervention they have planned.....for when "Kate" returns from the honeymoon.......is all set.........




Previously mentioned celebrity guest Brooke Shields, looking oh-so-glamorous in her velvet burgundy gown (never mind those hidden pockets in her dress, filled with anti-depressants and Ritalin -- that spilled out when she did the Hokey Pokey with Scientology poster-boy, John Travolta on the dance floor) .........



Oh yes. I can't forget about those other celebrity guests -- those wacky lovebirds, Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy .........



(A logical coupling, if there ever was one)

Apparently....Carrey and Cruise have agents who work for the same firm in LA. I'm thinking the connection is somewhat slim....but I can definitely hear Miss Jenny say: "Cowabunga.....free trip to Italy!" (Nice coat, by the way.....and what's with the matching hair-doos?)

I don't know about you.....but I'm gonna go out on a limb right here and right now and say that these two looney lovebirds are most likely gonna be the next duo headed right down the aisle. Doncha think? I mean, c'mon......if their relationship track records say anything, they just scream stability and commitment. Good luck kiddies, we're pullin for ya!

Finally.....I must comment on the entertainment at the reception. The Cruise contingent pulled out all the stops and hired famed Italian tenor, Andrea Bocelli to serenade their guests.




Much to my surprise, after his spectacular performance.....Andrea was seated at my table for dinner (Bar-B-Q Ribs, Corn Bread and Baked Beans, by the way....).

I must say that Bocelli spoke for everyone in attendance, myself included, when he whispered in my ear during dessert: "That Posh Spice (aka Victoria Beckham) ........she is definitely the most inappropriately dressed and skinny/scary woman that I've ever seen! Could someone please give her a sandwich?"


As I swallowed my corn bread and beans............I whispered breathlessly in his ear, "Andrea, I couldn't agree with you more! Here....why don't you pass her this PB & J ?"


Well.............that's about all for my report from the big TomKat wedding and reception. Hope you enjoyed the deets.

I would have a little more after-party info to report, but I cut out of the shindig a little early. Ya see, I happened to meet a real nice local I-talian fella named Georgio......who offered to show me some of the sights of Italy from the back of his motorbike.........



I'm so happy......Georgio promised to look me up......that is, if he ever gets a passport and makes it to the States.

Ciao everyone !

Goin' To The Chapel......

Hello dear readers! So sorry, it's been awhile since I've posted to the Blog.........I just haven't been inspired by much in the world of Hollywood lately. Well..........that's not entirely true. There wasn't much new celebrity scoop to talk about (it seems like "All Britney - All The Time"). Also.....I've actually been kinda busy this week.

You see, I'm getting ready to go out-of-town for a wedding.

I got invited at the last minute. Actually, don't tell anyone.........but an invitation for someone else was mistakenly delivered to my house. The name was a little smudged, but I could just make out that the first name had 5 letters and the last name had 7 letters.....with an "in" in the middle, and a "y" at the end......so it could have been addressed to me, it really could have!

Soooo.......I went ahead and RSVP'd. I mean, what the heck. I'm sure the original invitee won't mind. Nobody will even notice that she isn't there, or didn't even receive an invite (Not that I know who it is, or anything!).



Well...........I've got to run now..............there's a lot of packing left to do. Hmmm.......I wonder what the weather is going to be like in Rome for the weekend? Wonder if I should take my Uggs?

Let's see, I also have to go over my checklist:

1. Passport - check

2. Camera - check

3. Ballgown - check

4. Wedding gift for Groom
( Gift Certificate to Sofa Express ) - check

5. Wedding Gift for Bride
(copy of "Cult De-Programming For Dummies")- check

Looks good..........guess I'm pretty much set. Just have to make a quick call to my contact at The National Enquirer (ya know, to firm up the details on my contract to provide them with some cute wedding snaps......I'm sure the bride and groom won't mind). And besides.....I know there won't be many other people with cameras at this shindig.

Here's a shot that I took at the last wedding I went to.........



(Gotta love that purse-cam that I got for Christmas a few years ago......)

OK...........better scoot. I promise to provide you all with the glamorous deets
(details..........doncha know)when I return from the "City of Light." Wait a minute.......maybe Paris is the "City of Light". Yeah......I'm pretty sure it is. OK, I'll write when I return from......the "City of Brotherly Love". No.....that's San Francisco. OK..........I promise to blog when I get back from........
the "City of Pasta." How's that? (I don't think that's it, but I don't have time to research it..........I gotta go find my English to Italian dictionary).

Don't worry......I'll say "Hi" (or "Ciao") to the Bride and Groom (and their "bambina") for you all........




'Til then........Arrivederci y'all !

Well Brit........We Knew It Was Gonna Happen, We Just Didn't Know When

OK.....There are just certain things that you take for granted. Things that you know are gonna happen....ya just know. These things are not a surprise. The sunrise for instance. The sunset. The loss of one of your favorite socks in the dryer (where do they go, by the way?). And.....the break-up of Britney Spears and Kevin (K-Fed) Federline.



I mean, seriously...............is anyone on God's Green Earth surprised at this news? I wasn't even going to blog about this......I seriously could care less, but I just wanted to say a few brief words, and then be done with it. (Maybe!)

I feel sorry for Brit-Brit, I really do. She is now going to be a very busy divorced mother of 2. How will she ever juggle everything? Trying to work on her post-baby body, record a new album, go on tour, keep all those money-hungry trailer-trash relatives from hangin' around, fight K-Fed for custody..........all while tryin' to wrassle with Miss Cameron Diaz to get that cute little Justin Timberlake back!


You just know she loved Justin all along. We all know Brit was slummin' it with K-Fed, just to make Justin jealous. I mean....c'mon........look at the guy......



Britney.........you go girl! You've made a good first step in kickin' that scuzzy
K-Fed to the curb. Hold your ground girl...............don't you dare let him come a crawlin' back to the trailer. Lock that door and take away his key!

Oh yeah.........what about that "Manny" you hired a while back. The cute, studly one who had been in the military? He seemed like such a stable guy. He held the door for you, seemed good with the baby.....and even helped you when you almost dropped little Sean Preston on his head on the sidewalk in NYC not too long ago (the fault of those darn paparazzi, again!).


Anyways.......that "Manny" (Male-Nanny, doncha know.....).......he was a
cutie-patootie. think his name was Perry, wasn't it? What about him as a "rebound" boyfriend?........just until you get your "SexyBack" ..............so you can steal Justin back from that skanky Cam Diaz.



Think about it Brit .............it's a good plan.

Call me, we'll talk. I'll bring the Red Bull........you can bring the babies.

If You Liked Tori And The "90210" Gang....This One's For You!

Dear Tori Spelling Shanian McDermott,

Tori, Tori, Tori...........it's like so cool that you are preggers, and finally starting to show. You are five months pregnant now, and it's the fun time when you can wear neat maternity outfits, and go out on the town. Oh yeah....and have the paparazzi take your picture on the red carpet, and people will oooh and aaah about how you are absolutely glowing!

You go girl!

Hey.......what a great event to show off your glow! The recent DVD release party for "Beverly Hills 90210" on Friday, November 3rd. It was so nice of you and all of your former co-stars to come out in support of the DVD release of your old show...........


( Hey....what's with the jeans and sweatshirt, Ziering? )


........even though the gossip mill was churning that y'all were gonna boycott the party because you actors weren't gettin' any profits from the DVD sales ( guess it wasn't written into your contracts way back when......ooops! )

Well wouldn't ya know it.........good 'ol Ian Ziering (he played Steve Sanders) came to the rescue, had a pow-wow with all you folks and brought you to your senses.

Way to go, dude!
( Guess Ian was too busy pow-wow-ing to go to Saks and get a new suit! )

True, you won't be gettin' any more dough.........but you came out in support of the "90210" Brand. It's popular all over the world, doncha know.

(I don't believe any of those snarky types that insist that Ziering did it only because it was the first red carpet event he had been invited to all year -- celebrities would never do anything just to get their picture in the papers........)

Anyways.............

The big party was held and everyone came out....all glammed up and glowing. Everyone except...........


................that nasty Brenda Walsh herself, Shannen Doherty .....and the hunkalicious Luke (Dylan McKay) Perry.

What nerve! Didn't Shannen used to be like one of your best friends? Daddy Spelling put that chick on the map. Oh....hang on, I just got word that both kids were no-shows due to the unfortunate fact that they were running late after standing in the unemployment line all afternoon. Guess they didn't have time to get all snazzy for the party. Too bad kiddies, maybe next time.

Well....the rest of the gang was there. All bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Jason (Brandon Walsh) Priestly, Jennie (Kelly Taylor) Garth, Gabrielle (Andrea Zuckerman) Carteris, Brian (David Silver) Austin Green, and the aforementioned Ian Ziering. Your pal Jennie Garth even managed to attend and look glam, less than one month after giving birth to her third child.

Way to go, Jennie!


Well......that brings us to you, dear Tori.

Yes, you did attend the event (You made sure to arrive an hour AFTER the rest of the cast, but you did attend). Yes, you brought that new hubby of yours.....Dean ( "I fell for Tori, and walked out on my pregnant 1st wife" ) McDermott.


( He even wore a suit.....no tie, but a suit nonetheless. )

After seeing the photos from this event, it's plain to see that your pregnancy is progressing nicely....and you do indeed look happy and glowing. We're happy for you, Tor. We really are. We know that you've been through a rough patch lately.

What with the big 1st wedding and the marriage that went bust.......using your infamous beauty and feminine wiles .........



.........to snatch a pregnant woman's husband......Daddy and Mommy mad at you......


............Daddy passing away and Mommy being mean about the will ( and saying oh so nasty things about you in the press ).....and finally marrying your "soul mate", and becoming pregnant.

Whew............you've had a lot goin' on girl.

Just a minor suggestion, Tor............keep on getting glammed up, going out to events, and hittin' the red carpet. Take Dean if you have to.

But just keep an eye on those pesky photographers. They have a tendency to try to catch you in an unflattering pose. I know it's hard to believe.....but some angles, they aren't very flattering to you. Much like Shannen Doherty....certain angles, they are definitely NOT your friend.



From the front:

A lotta skin.....but not too terribly bad.





From the back:

Probably.....your best angle.........



But in this dress..........from the left and right sides............



Seriously, Tor.......................don't do that again.

We can see your "SAG cards" ......if you know what I mean.

Like I said...........with the photogs......watch the angles, and we'll all be better off.

Oh yeah.........I almost forgot. Enjoy that second trimester, Tor......... I'm sure we'll be seein' ya in another cute maternity frock real soon (I hear "Bubble Dresses" are all the rage right now ).

Love,

Cagey :)